Monday, January 30, 2012

My Crazy Week

So this is my last week of my recent " normal" life. To say the least it is beyond hectic and there is nothing normal about it. My headaches are back. They are back like they are mad at me. I think I built up some resistance to my meds but I only have 6 more days and I can do this. I know I can. I have done it for this long what is 6 more days. I will tell what 6 more days is to me. It 6 more days of being terrified of what could happen now. The person who said ignorance in bliss is by far the smartest person alive. Now that I know about my tumor everything is just a little more scary. The headaches mean more now. I had a moment the other night when it was so bad I wanted to drive myself to the hospital. But really what could they do for me. They could change me a ton of money to tell there was nothing they could do. So I go to bed and hope that it will be fine in the morning. I know what could happen to me. But I also have faith that I have enough love and support in my life that someone is watching over me and I am going to make it to my surgery. I know it's scary to talk about and to hear about but when my head hurts the way it does I'm not sure what's going to happen to me. Sometimes it feels like I'm not taken so seriously when I say my head hurts. But it's crippling. It hurts to laugh. Does anyone know what that feels like??? Laughing is suppose to me amazing even healing but it hurts. Standing still hurts, moving hurts, there isn't anything I do that doesn't hurt anymore. I'm so ready for the hurt to be over. Surgery is the scariest and happiest thing for me right now. Do I really want to have brain surgery. No No No... But as I sit here with my head throbbing I'm thinking it might not be as bad as my head hurting the way it does right now. Even if I get one hour out of the day where it doesn't hurt I consider it a blessing. I'm glad I'm done with work because that was really hard to hide it. But now I have so many activities planned. I don't know why I did this to myself. It was really me doing it not anyone else. It is very bitter sweet right now with it all. I want to do it all. I want to see everyone and I love spending time with them it makes me so happy. But I'm so tired. So where do I find the balance? I guess I will get lots of sleep in 6 days.
It seems every moment of everyday before my surgery is planned. Why did I do this??? I am the one who did it not anyone else. I know that but oh my goodness what was I thinking??? Just a small glimpse into my week. Today done. Tuesday starts at 10, I get my cousins for the day. I'm super excited but it will be busy. I am going to take them to all these fun activities and then dinner with my guys. I know that doesn't seem too bad but my day will start at 10 and end 10. Oh and did I mention my car is still full and I will have to unpack it before the day starting at 10. Then there is Wednesday. Oh Wednesday how I overbooked you. First I have a spa appointment at 9. Relax right. Then I'm supposed to have lunch with a friend. I might skip it. I have to return all my comcast items. Because they make your life easy. Not that I'm bitter about being on hold for 20 minutes just to cancel my service. I now have to return the equipment. Love Comcast.... Then I have dinner plans which I am very excited about because we are going to one of my favorite places. After that my friends are putting together an event for me at my other favorite place. So that day starts at 9 and ends till who knows. Now are you ready for Thursday. Oh I'm ready for Thursday. That is pre op day! Oh Joy another day of poking me, taking my blood, telling me my blood pressure is a little high, getting another MRI, the list goes on. And just when you thought it might not be that bad. It's in Tampa at 8:20 in the morning. Yes that is right my friends I will be out all night Wednesday and then Tampa first thing in the morning. And just when you thought things might slow down guess again, my sister is getting included that morning too! So you guessed it, I will be anxious to get home for the birth of my nephew. I just hope she can hold off until we get back so I can be there. Then on Friday I might take it easy. And by might I mean I'm going to lock myself in the bedroom, not answer the phone and lay in my pj's until my dinner plans. Or did I book Friday??? I can't remember I will have to look at the calendar. Oh I'm sure I will be at the hospital with my sister. The comes Saturday. I have brunch plans, then day with my brother, and then Jersey Boys with my step mom at night. Then comes Sunday. The day before the surgery. We will be going to the aquarium because I love it there. I have never been to the one in Tampa but I do love them so much. If they had one here I would go every week. So we will doing that and then Monday is my surgery. After Monday I don't have anything on my calender. It's kind of weird. It's like my whole world stops on that day and I don't know when it will start again. I wish I had something on there, but it's blank. Just blank. I want to know something. I want to have something to look forward to, even if it's another doctor's appointment. Something that says Dana you will wake up and you will be fine. I don't like blank on my calendar. I guess I'm really thankful that I have a crazy week with all these people who love me. I am lucky when I think about it that way. And I am really looking forward to each day I have planned. I just wish I had more time.


  1. Saturday June 2nd will be Charlie's birthday party at the condo in Bonita. It is a lot of fun, the beach and pool, great friends and family, and of course the best caterer ever! You missed last year and I expect you to be there this year, no excuses. Now you have plans. And I know that you can make plans because you WILL wake up and you WILL be fine. If anyone in the world can get thru this, it is you. God is not ready for you, you have plans.

    Btw, I am an aquarium junkie, and The Florida Aquarium in Tampa is one of my favs!! They even have a freshwater area that reminds me of the Everglades - Its kinda stinky- but very cool! Charlie and I always have a great time there!

    We love you more than you know, and we pray for you every day.

    Love, Carrie (Jay and Charlie too!)

  2. You don't have anything on the calendar right now because that is the day you are going to live in the moment! Believe me you will have so much on that calendar that you dont even realize!!! I'm excited to watch you make such strides in your life just like you always have:) Movies and pizza here we come!!

  3. I know that you are scared and the unknown is often harder than it should be but I have faith for both of us that you will wake up and be ok. You are a spirited fighter and every time that you have been knocked down, you gotten back up. The surgery will not change that!
    I am not sure if you saw the movie Dolphin Tale yet, but I can give it to you on Wednesday night if not. Anyways, maybe you should make a detour by the St Petersburg Center on your way Sunday and go visit Winter. A truely inspirational story and one that will remind you that the power of love and prayer will pull you through. There are thousands of people praying for you Babe. Hang in there.
    Love you,
    Aunt Heather

  4. Not many of us are "faced" with such an overwhelming uncontrollable circumstanc, but here you are. Something one would never choose, for sure. What bittersweetness you are bravely facing, Dana. The bitterness of the unknown, with the precious sweetness of seeing clearly the vast amounts of love from others that you have encamped around you <3
    I feel very privileged to be able to walk along the footsteps that you are taking right now. Let me say, thank you so much for sharing these thoughts and emotions with us. I pray that we can be just as brave for you as we walk with you in your journey. I pray that this journey will do also in us, the surgery in our lives, that we need to live our best and healthiest in this life.
    I pray you feel a titalwave of peace in your head and in your nerves today, Dana, and that would feel like joy inside. Loving you from the far off west coast, but as close as your heart beat <3 ...
    I LOVE that love has no limits of time or space <3 love you, Colleen