Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Ups and Downs

Yesterday was filled with ups and downs for me. I would love to be writing telling everyone that my ups out weighed my downs but that is not the case. I'm still upset about my day yesterday. I don't know when I will feel better about it. It might be the start of the the downward spiral I've been afraid of for so long.
I will spend a minute to talk about the best thing that happened yesterday. I got to meet Norman Love. It was so amazing for me. He took me through the BOH and showed me his whole operation. It was by far the coolest thing I have ever done. I think he is so great and everything he does puts me in awww. It couldn't have been better going there. And I got to leave with a box of chocolates. :)
Now on to what I can't stop thinking about. My day as a whole was awful. I started by bringing some things over to my dad's house. Not easy. I don't want to move back home. I'm 28 I should be living on my own and enjoying life. Not moving back home with a life threatening brain tumor. What don't they get about that? I walk into what is now going to be my bedroom and it's not even cleared out. How am I supposed to move my life into a bedroom and not even get the whole closet? Why do I have to share storage with others? I am getting a bedroom and closest, that's it. It should be empty. I should get the whole thing. I'm so upset with my sister and my dad about this. I don't want to move home. What don't they get. This something I have to do. I don't want a brain tumor. I don't want to have constant headache. I don't want to see double. I don't want the feeling that someone smacked me in the knees with a crowbar. But these are the things I have to deal with. It's not fair. I put so much good out there. I try to pay it forward as much as I can. I don't deserve this. I shouldn't be having brain surgery at 28. I just want something to be easy. Nothing is easy in my life anymore. I want some more understanding. More compassion. I don't want to fight with people right now. What don't they get. This is the last thing I want to do right now. I just want to be normal. I will never be normal again. Ever. My life is changing and I don't want it to. My surgery is getting closer and I'm trying so hard to roll with it and simply I don't want to. I just want to be able to take care of myself and I won't be able to. I have to depend on others now. I haven't had to do that in a long time and it's not easy. Nothing is easy anymore. Why can't something be easy. Just one thing is all I need right now. The tears haven't stopped, they have carried over from yesterday to today already. I know have to figure out how to my whole life into a bedroom and a half closet because I have to share storage with someone else. I'm so angry. Why can't I have the whole closet. I have to spread my stuff between 3 houses. 3!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's awful. I can't believe I have to do this. I already gave away a ton of things and now I have to spread them out too. Not easy. Not Fair. I have to make a ton of sacrifices for my condition. I don't want my condition. I know life isn't fair but really this????

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