It feels good to have a couple of good days. Sunday at work was amazing. It was the least stressful Sunday I've ever had. I don't know if it was the games or the fact that my crew is so awesome to me but it was a wonderful day. They even let me leave early. I was able to come back to my condo and spend time with my cousin from out of town which helped me so much. It was so nice to sit and talk to her. We were able to talk about everything and she gave some really great advice on how to deal with some of the challenges I've been facing. My hardest thing is I don't want to hurt some one's feelings or say something that might upset them I am just on edge all the time. I try really hard not to be but I never know what will trigger me getting upset. It could be anything. I never know and I will just blow a gasket for no reason. I think it just how I've been dealing with everything. I guess I'm still waiting for it to really hit me. Everyone looks at me and I can see it on their face, they want to cry. They are upset for me., They are upset that I'm not upset and can't understand why. I don't understand why either. I have no clue where my strength comes from. I should be crying more. I know that. But the tears just aren't ready to come yet. I don't know if it's that I have so much to distract me right now, I can't help but wonder how my next week will pan out for me. All I know is that the past two days have been great and I am hopeful that tomorrow will be great as well. I only have 5 more shifts at work and I have to hold it together. I can't be weak now. I have to push through and I will. There isn't another option for me. I can do this and I will be able to look back at these moments and be proud of myself. I have so much to look forward to in the next two weeks it helps keep my mind off of my surgery. But after these two weeks I don't have anything to look forward to.
I know I will be fine. I keep telling everyone that. I keep telling myself that so why can't I look past my surgery. All I see is myself laying in bed at my dad's house refusing to see anyone. That's not me. I love company. I love when people come to see me to hang out but that's all I can see right now. I hope that I am wrong and that I feel like seeing everyone but my fear is that I will become someone who is a hermit. Surgery is scary to me and I don't want to do it. I just don't. I want any other option. I don't want them to cut my head open. I try to talk about it as much as possible to get used to it but then when I do I see that look on the faces that I'm talking to. The look is scared. The look of tears welling up and people holding back. So why is that I can talk about it. It doesn't seem normal that I'm not crying. When does it hit me. When does the news cripple me to the point I can't leave the house. That's what should be happening, right? Maybe I won't get to that point. One can hope. I have a lot to look forward to tomorrow. So I'm very excited for my big day so I won't be breaking down tomorrow.