Saturday, January 14, 2012


For as long as I can remember I've been clumsy. I mean walk into walls clumsy. It's something that I never thought much about. It is who I am. I've always said that the guy that can find it endearing would be the guy for me. It's annoying being so clumsy sometimes but not it's scary for me.
After the doctor told me not go on roller coasters or to do anything out of my normal routine I really got to over thinking things. What happens if I fall? It is possible with me. What happens if I trip going up the stairs? I've done it before. What if I walk into someone too hard? I'm sure that I will be fine but it doesn't make it less scary to think about. I'm not really sure what would happen if anything at all but just thinking about the possibilities are too much. Everything is just so close to getting better. I know what is wrong with me and all I want to do is protect myself.
I'm work and I'm terrified of everything there right now. I've never been afraid of getting hurt. It comes with the territory of being clumsy. I'm afraid someone is going to drop a tray on my head. I know that thought is absurd. In all my years working in the restaurant business I have never ever seen that. But it doesn't stop the thought from going through my head every time someone passes by me with a tray. I'm so afraid of being bumped too hard. I mean could anything really happen to me by someone accidentally bumping into me? No! But it still scares me. And just through in my norm of being clumsy. By the time I leave work I'm beyond stressed out from my own doing. How do I stop the thoughts? I know how absurd they are. But they don't stop. As hard as I try to not think about my condition, it now consumes me.
I try so hard at work. I don't want this to affect me. I want to be strong. I'm a worker and I want to stay that way. I start my day off great but by 5 I'm a mess. The ringing in my ear is constant. My thoughts are overwhelming. And there is the headache that is there. The medicine helps but doesn't make to go away completely. Every fiber in being wants me to just go home and lay in bed. But I can't do that. That's just not me. I am social, I like to talk to people but right now I just want quiet. No ringing, no buzzing, no talking and most of all I just want my brain to shut off for a few minutes. Hopefully soon I will get some peace. There is nothing anyone can do for me, it's something I will have to figure out how do for myself.

1 comment:

  1. You are so brave, just be who you are and continue to be strong and confident. I have been diagnosed with breast cancer and will have surgery 1-30,you are such an inspiration to me and for that I am grateful. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers always.