Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Another Appointment

Today was another appointment day for me. I am starting to get used to them. They are all the same now. They all do the same tests and say the same things to me. I could almost host the appointments now. Each doctor does offer more information but at the end of the day they are saying the same thing to me.
First they tell me that I'm going to be okay. I know this. I don't need them to tell me. I am young, healthy, non smoker. Of coarse I'm going to be okay. Are kidding me??? If I'm not then clearly I'm with the wrong people. So I sit there and smile and let them tell me these things. I have to admit as much as I know it's still nice to hear, even if it's only in one ear. I thought my new team member was fantastic. He seemed very confident with his portion of the surgery and very knowledgeable with the whole of what to expect.
Today I learned that I can't hear out of my right ear. I have known this for sometime now but it's official now. I also learned that it's never going to come back. There's noting they can do for me. The ringing that's in that ear is always going to be there my whole life now. When I heard that I sank. I was never hopeful of getting my hearing back but I was hopeful that he ringing would stop. The doctor explained it to me that I will get used to it and it will become something that I will be able to tune out. That is just crazy to me. As I sit here it's all I hear. I just want it to stop even if just for a minute just stop. I wonder if I will ever be able to enjoy quiet again. I also learned more about how they are "going to get in there" Let me tell you how much I love hearing that. Get in there.... That's my head, my brain, everything that controls everything is in there. He tells me where they are going to make the cut. It's going to be behind my right ear. I will never be able to grow hair there again. I will always have a scar on the back of my head where hair won't grow. These are not the things I want to hear today. But they are the things that I'm hearing and accepting as the new me. Also they have to put a titanium plate back in my head to make up for the parts that they will remove and be unable to re-attach. I keep waiting for the appointment where they don't tell me anything scary. I'm tired of only hearing bad things. I know not everything is doom and gloom but I could really use a small break right about now. My whole everything is changing. I just want to push pause and be 28 without any problems, even if it's only for an hour.
My next appointment is Feb 2. I will get another MRI. That will be the one they use to perform the surgery. I am told that for the first 24 hours after my surgery I will be alone. I will have to remain in a sterile environment. After that mom and dad will be able to see me. If I do okay with that by day 3 in ICU I should be able to have 2 other visitors that will be able to stay with me for a few moments. But it will all depend on how my recovery is going. We are all hopeful by day 3 I will be moved to a normal room and not ICU but there is no way of telling now. In a perfect world I will be out of the hospital in a week and on my way home to recover. I'm hoping for a perfect world but they won't know until they " get in there"

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