Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The First Appointment

No matter how many times I hear it will always sound strange. I have a brain tumor. Today was by far the most awful to date for me. It gets a little more real everyday and now that I have a hospital I will be going to and a doctor that will perform the surgery it's real. There's no more hope that the MRI could be wrong, no more second opinion that has a better outcome just the facts now.
The fact is that is larger than I was original told. The fact is they only way to get better is to remove it as soon as possible. I am told that I may have to have multiple surgeries now. They won't know until they get in there and see how the tumor is attached and how dense it is. Even as I sit there and listen to everything that is being told me it still seems so surreal. I don't know how this happened to me and I don't know how I didn't see the signs before I got to this point. I am so angry and sad all at the same time. At every moment I want to lash out and scream and then cry but I don't. I try to stay strong, but today I don't want to be strong I want to cry. I want to cry to my parents, my doctors, my family and my friends but there is nothing they can do to help me. So I just hold it in. This is my new life. I know I will overcome this but as the doctor told me today " it's going to be rough year" YEAR!!!!
I am told my recovery could be anywhere from two months to a year. My heart sank. Am I ever going to be myself again? Sure everyone tells me that I will be but how is that even possible. There are so many things that can happen to me during my surgery. I can lose control over one side of my face, I might lose the ability to walk for sometime, I might not be able to swallow and I will never get my hearing back to normal. I know have been told by 4 doctors that one side of my face is droopy. That breaks my heart. Every time one of them says it I hold back the tears. My face will now always be droopy on one side and I understand that it may not be noticeable to others but now it's all I see.
Today was so hard for me. I am struggling with my own emotions and still trying to be sensitive to others. I feel guilty if I am rude to a nurse or my parents. I know so many are out there to help but today was a hard hard day for me. I never want to hurt anyone else's feelings but I am having a hard time controlling my own feelings right now.
I should know more about my surgery in the next couple of days and I will try to have a better day tomorrow but I feel that I am allowed to have my bad days and today was a bad day for me.


  1. Dear Dana,

    I spoke to you last night after all of your news and I'm so grateful that you do answer my calls. Me being so far away it's hard not to see you but to hear your voice is the next best thing. I can't tell you how much your friendship means to me you are so caring and always put others first. Because of your great qualities it make you who you are. You know who you are and you can't loose sight of the Dana inside of you. To get through this you have to build yourself up and be the strongest you can be physically and emotionally. You have so many people friends and family that are rooting for you and a speedy recovery. As my mom told you "This too shall pass" you have to keep that as your motto it will pass but there are going to be lots of bumps in the road before your there. As long as know there are going to be bumps and challenges in the road you can be prepared for any and all obstacles that come your way. I wish I could be closer to you but always know that I'm only a phone call away even if you just want to scream and cry it's ok, or if you just want me to make you laugh I hear for that too. I love you xoxoxo Liza

  2. Dear Dana,
    It is impossible for any of us to know how you feel at this point and you sharing on your blog is helping each of us be there for you as well. I realize that it makes it easier for you to communicate with everyone rather than having to repeat the same story twenty million times on the phone. I think that it is expected for you to be mad and sad at the same time considering this new reality. But what I know for sure is that your family and friends love you unconditionally and it is ok to let your emotions out. We can handle anything that you need to say or do, and if you choose to call some of us names then we won't even hold you accountable! We don't expect you to be smiling or cracking jokes this whole time, even though that is your nature and one of the many reasons why we love you.
    I realize that the unknown is scary and I wish that it wasn't that way at all. I agree with Liza's Mom in that "this too shall pass", and you just have to know that this will be your road to feeling better and getting healthy so your life can be all that you want it to be. The good news about being in Tampa is that you will be close to home where you have a lot of family and friends that can surround you with love. We will also give you strength on those days when you can't find it in yourself. I love you, Heather

  3. Dana,

    I know we dont get to talk aften, but I am always here to talk to whether you just want to shoot the breeze or vent or whatever. You are a beautiful person, inside and out. No matter what the outcome of your surgery is, and no matter how long it takes...you will always be the same person you were before your life was changed. This will be a trying time for you, but like you said, you are strong and you will get through this. Once this is all over, you wont have these terrible heachaches anymore, your vision will be back, and your hearing shall be percise whether or not you can hear prefect it will be better than it was. I have faith that you will be taken care of through surgery and any rehab you will need. Your Dana Knox! You have every right to be angry, sad, tearful, happy, joyous and any other feeling you will feel or have fealt. You have amazing friends and amazing family members that will be by your side no matter how you have treated them or if you even want them around on your low days. Everyone can understand and everyone should be respectful with whatever is thrown at them, as this isnt about them its about you and your health. Like I said, I am only a phone call away if you ever need anything. Just remember, you are beautiful, you will always be beautiful and you are loved more than you will ever know!

    God Bless You...

    Adam, Tristan, Hailey, and baby!!

  4. Do it Dana... Get mad, angry, sad. Scream at the top of your lungs and cry until you do not have anymore tears. It is amazingly therapeutic. Sometimes you need to accept these other emotions in order to stay strong. Your family and friends love you for your optimism and every other emotion. It is the beauty of unconditional love.

    Thinking of you......

  5. Dana, from the time I was born you have always been there for me. Whether it was holding my bottle, or holding the keys away from me now, I always knew I could count on you for anything. You are the big sister I never had, but I am glad I have you instead! Everything seems "ok" when I'm with you. Whether we are shopping, making cupcakes, rockin' to Taylor Swift, or just laying around on your couch, you always put a smile on my face and make me feel warm inside. You have a sense of humor that I have never met anyone else with! I think to myself, "What just happened?! And where did she come up with this stuff!?" Sure, there are things you MIGHT lose during this surgery that are important to you, but there are things that will NEVER change. Like your sense of humor, your beautiful smile, and the fact that your friends&family, and God, are here for you. We are watching out for you, and praying for you, and listening to you vent. It is okay to have bad days...HELL! You can have as many bad days as you want! But because it's you Dana, I don't think you will. Everything will get better, but for now... Smile as much as you can, and take in the beauty of life, because its all around you, everywhere, even if it might not seem like it right now. The night you left I cried to my mom on the couch and said through my ugly cry, "If everything happens for a reason, what is the DAMN reason here!?" She just looked at me, laughed, and said, "Honey, we don't know yet, but there will be." & she's right. I love you so much! & this is my turn to return all the favors you did for me. So if the doctors tell us you are having trouble swallowing, then hell I better look like fricken Vin Diesel struttin' into your room with one of these! http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_J6bFVALZKDs/S8azrzxnCWI/AAAAAAAAC8I/GqE8H7E4jGg/s1600/Vin+diesel-the-pacifier.jpg

  6. Dana,

    Keep positive, up here in ohio were all praying for you and we love you. Were hoping a strong support from northeast ohio(which our family owns) will help.
    We all love you,

    John, Jean, and Alex

  7. Dana, i don't know you but i know Madisyn Andrea. I'm sorry for what has happened to you, and i can't say i know how you feel but i hope everything turns out ok and it probably will. just be brave and stay strong. my prayers go to you and your family. i promise you will walk out of there healthy and strong. just remember when life knocks you down to your knees, your in the perfect position to play. I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST FROM MY WHOLE HEART. <3

    - Camila Barahona

  8. Dear Dana,
    I grew up with your Aunt Heather (Cowan Andrea) and I noticed that she mentioned your blog on FB. I have read through your blog and you are quite an amazing girl! You are an incredibly strong person! I am so sorry for what you are going through. I will end all my positive thoughts your way! I have added your blog page to my favorites. I know that tomorrow will be better day for you! Lots of Hugs <3