No matter how many times I hear it will always sound strange. I have a brain tumor. Today was by far the most awful to date for me. It gets a little more real everyday and now that I have a hospital I will be going to and a doctor that will perform the surgery it's real. There's no more hope that the MRI could be wrong, no more second opinion that has a better outcome just the facts now.
The fact is that is larger than I was original told. The fact is they only way to get better is to remove it as soon as possible. I am told that I may have to have multiple surgeries now. They won't know until they get in there and see how the tumor is attached and how dense it is. Even as I sit there and listen to everything that is being told me it still seems so surreal. I don't know how this happened to me and I don't know how I didn't see the signs before I got to this point. I am so angry and sad all at the same time. At every moment I want to lash out and scream and then cry but I don't. I try to stay strong, but today I don't want to be strong I want to cry. I want to cry to my parents, my doctors, my family and my friends but there is nothing they can do to help me. So I just hold it in. This is my new life. I know I will overcome this but as the doctor told me today " it's going to be rough year" YEAR!!!!
I am told my recovery could be anywhere from two months to a year. My heart sank. Am I ever going to be myself again? Sure everyone tells me that I will be but how is that even possible. There are so many things that can happen to me during my surgery. I can lose control over one side of my face, I might lose the ability to walk for sometime, I might not be able to swallow and I will never get my hearing back to normal. I know have been told by 4 doctors that one side of my face is droopy. That breaks my heart. Every time one of them says it I hold back the tears. My face will now always be droopy on one side and I understand that it may not be noticeable to others but now it's all I see.
Today was so hard for me. I am struggling with my own emotions and still trying to be sensitive to others. I feel guilty if I am rude to a nurse or my parents. I know so many are out there to help but today was a hard hard day for me. I never want to hurt anyone else's feelings but I am having a hard time controlling my own feelings right now.
I should know more about my surgery in the next couple of days and I will try to have a better day tomorrow but I feel that I am allowed to have my bad days and today was a bad day for me.