Friday, January 20, 2012

Am I pushing myself too much???

As I sit here on my couch tired again I can't help but wonder if I'm pushing myself too much. I know that I keep talking about the same things that are bothering me so now the questions arises is it too much right now. I only have a few more shifts at work but each one is so very hard. I'm doing my best to not complain because my job has been beyond amazing to me in my situation. All I want to do is work hard for them because they are taking such great care of me. But I must say it's hard. So hard to hold it together all day and night. I don't always feel the need to break down and cry but I do need to sit down more and laying down would be nice everyone now and then. I'm so aware of every tiny thing I feel in my head right now. I had a headache all day. It wasn't a terrible one it was just that I was so aware of it. The steroids help so much but I can't forget the things that would trigger my waves of pain that used to cripple me. I' m nervous every time I bend down to pick something off the floor. I hate that. I just want to pick it up. I don't want to be scared. It's hard to share these things with everyone, especially at work. I don't want people to feel bad for me but I don't want to go around picking up after them anymore. It's just too nerve racking.
I think to myself that I am ready for my surgery. I just want it to be over. I want to be better. But then I really think about things. How my life is changing even before I can get used to it and I just want my world to be on pause until I catch my breath. I'm not sure when I will be able to catch my breath at this point. My whole life is about to change. Nothing will ever be the same for me again. EVER. I will always be the girl that had brain surgery. I will always have to get MRI's. I will have medical metal in my head. I try to down play everything that is happening to me, but at the end of the day it's scary and I wish it wasn't happening.

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