As I get ready for my night tonight I apply my make-up for the last time. I know that I will wear make-up again but it won't be for a long time. I apply with one eye open because the double vision still hasn't gone away when my glasses are off and I just hope that things are even. Then again I have the fall back of the whole tumor thing if anyone was to give me a really hard time about it. But no one does so I must have done a good job. I will be so happy when I don't have the double vision. It is really bothersome to me. Between that and walking into things it's getting really old. I know I have said it before but I hate the bruises. I actually put make-up on the one on my arm tonight in hopes that it would help. I don't think it did. I'm not sure why the stay so long. I have the same bruise for what feels like weeks and it's still ugly and still big. I just want it to go away. At least the ones on my legs and covered and no one has to see those but me. And since I haven't been working there are less of them. I would run in to chairs all night so they are chair height on my legs which means easily covered.
With my surgery rapidly approaching there are some things that I can't stop thinking about. One the surgery scares me. I really don't want them to cut open my head and replace it with a piece of medical metal. It just sounds so unpleasant. I don't want to be put asleep for 8-10 hours either. Another scary thought to me. I'm also waiting for my freak out moment. It will come. I know it. I am just waiting for it. I'm not sure what will trigger it and I'm not sure if I will be able to calm down. All I know is that I have had panic attacks in the past that are hard for me and I really haven't had one with this yet. A little odd for me. My situation should cause the ultimate panic attack. The formula for it is all set up. So why no attack. Am I building it up. Am even going to have one. My hope is that when the attack sets in I will be at the hospital where they can treat it. I'm trying really hard to stay positive and upbeat and not let my pain get in the way of living life this past week. I think I have been good. I have really enjoyed my time with all my friends and family and tomorrow will be my last " normal" day for awhile so I will try to enjoy that too without any freak out moments. Everyone keeps telling me that it's ok to have moments like that. But I don't like them. They make me feel bad and I tend to take out my anger on the one that I love and that's really not fair to them. They all tell me they understand but they don't. I feel terrible when I mean to someone. And I'm always mean when I am freaking out because in my mind I am the only one who knows how I feel and I expect everyone to know. It's unrealistic I know that but that's what I'm feeling in one of those moments. So I will have my panic attack, I will say things I don't mean to the people I love and then I feel bad about it for days after. I hate that. I don't want a freak out moment. I just want to stay strong walk in the hospital, check in, have brain surgery, and come out of everything the same way I went in minus the crippling headaches.
The other things I can't get off my mind tonight are how I didn't know. I have been replaying little moments in my life where I should have known to get help. There where the moments at work where I would get a flash headache, have to stop, stand still let it pass and then go back to work. Why didn't I get that checked out? Or there are the times where I couldn't stand in the shower and would sit down and shower. Why didn't I get that checked out? How about the times when I would tell people when they would ask me what's wrong that I had a headache and at any given moment they could be talking to me and I would have a headache. Oh and the times where I would lie on the tile floor because I was hot and had a headache and it was the only thing that made me comfortable. I should have been more pushy with the doctors. I always just accepted that it was a sinus infection or allergies. Every time I just accepted it. Reflecting back on all these incidents I should have pushed more. I should have talked about them more. Maybe someone would have pushed me if I took the time to let someone into my world of pain. But I never wanted to be one of those people that complained all the time so I just kept in. I just kept working through the pain thinking that this round of allergy medicine would do the trick. I had my little headache cocktail if you will that took the edge off. It was one Zyrtec D and two Excedrin. Everyday the same thing. And if I didn't take a ZyrtecI thought my head would explode. I needed them. But in the end I didn't need them, I just need a doctor who knew what he was doing. One who listened and wanted to get the root of the problem rather than masking the symptoms. I swear I will never go to a normal doctor again, I will always go to a specialist. This whole experience has tought me so much already. I look forward to what things I will learn after my surgery. One more day.
I can do this. I will do this and I will be ok.